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May 2, 2017

Whose Vagina?

Warning: This will contain actual facts about the human anatomy if you can't read it...? Try really hard because you need this. ALSO this is a rant.

I am 23 years old and as I type this I realize that I am fast approaching the age which will allow me to that I have been having my period for half my life. I am not here to complain about it rather to shed some light on what I have been going through for the past month.

The female body was created, amongst other things to reproduce. Creating human life is truly a blessing but when you are my age having a human seems like a bad idea. So I am on birth control and the reasons I have chosen this method all seem stupid to me now. Unfortunately I am on a medication which cancels out oral birth control. Hooray for epilepsy! The Depo Provera injection is effective for 12-13 weeks meaning that you do not have to think about contraceptives. Over time it may stop your period altogether and that sounds like freedom. What I forgot is that hormones cause mood swings and I have been having the worst of my life. At any given moment I am likely to burst into tears or throw something in a fit of rage. This has yet to happen but what does occur is an inner battle. I find myself constantly talking down a new version of myself from a ledge. "If you throw that cup at your boyfriend's head things will not end well. You should not tell you choir director to go and ********** that behavior would be unacceptable." These conversations go on for quite some time and you begin to feel crazy. I thought that I was insane until I spoke to many other women who have suffered in the same way, but wait, there is more. The emotions were bad enough but my thirteen day period was the worst.

In the past month I have spent at least 50 euros on my uterus from the birth control injection to the feminine hygiene products, including the ones that gave me a rash from hell. Below you can enjoy this list which is most definitely inaccurate because I skipped the food that I paid for in cash.

Product Price
Depo Provera shot € 23.78
o.b. ProComfort normal tampons € 2.19
o.b. ProComfort mini tampons € 2.49
Libresse Ultra Goodnight € 2.39
Sudocreme € 3.15
Always liners € 2.49
Chocolate in many shapes and forms € 20.55
Total: € 57.04
After reading this one may wonder why I chose to go through all of this. I mean is this all really worth it? Do I care about peace of mind that much? Birth control was first seen as a way to give women a choice but today as day four of my period ends I wonder how long it will last this time. Will I continue to bleed for two weeks only to stop and resume two weeks later? Will I want to pull out my hair and scream? Will I feel utterly alone?
 
Alone because while I am doing this for my relationship I am the only one suffering. This is the plight of many women out there. We pay for our birth control, feminine hygiene products and all of the cravings that come along with hormones. The sad thing is that we think it is our duty. I type this knowing that I am hypocrite for never actually discussing this with my partner but he will read this so I guess that it is all out there now. As women we go through more than enough for relationships that are suppose to be 50/50. Every time I hear birth control horror stories I wonder 'whose vagina is it anyway'? Every day when a young woman says that she is unfulfilled in the bedroom, or when another is pressured into an IUD because her husband does not trust the daily pill I think 'is you mek she vagina nuh'. Tonight as I contemplate what the hell I am going to do with this period I am realizing that I should give up now because until my 12 weeks are done I know my vagina is not my own.
 
XOXO,
 
IslandGyal